Waking Sleep

So it seems that the schedule I have set up for myself is taking its toll.  I am constantly tired, but I am happy.

Monday 8-5 work, then home to cook for the week
Tuesday 8-5 work, then to class 6-10
Wednesday 8-5 work, then yoga class and seminar 6-9
Thursday 8-5 work, then yoga teacher training 6-9:30 (1 time a month)
Friday 8-5 work
Saturday 8:30-2:15 work at yoga desk
Sunday - 9-10:30 Yoga Class

Whew!  Plus other things like homework and family dinner, plus god forbid I would wanna spend time with my friends.

Okay so enough complaining since I am happy right now!  D and I are going to visit T who just had ruptured disc surgery on her neck a week ago.  Poor baby is hurting for sure, and beyond bored. 

I have decided to try and conquer my fears about going to new places by myself.  I need to change my expectations and beliefs about what is going to happen and how people are going to treat me.  This will be a huge step for me once I get there.
 

Crying at work...

So today I cried at work...  not a lot, or in front of anyone.  But it did happen.  I asked if people had heard about something and people for real laughed in my face and insisted that it was old news over and over, laughing at me, and I felt like an idiot.  Suddenly I'm in grade school again, i'm 6 and no one wants to be my friend, they just want to laugh at how dumb I am and make fun of me.  So I shut down, I told them not to stand near my cubicle to discuss it, which they apparently had done yesterday...  before it was confirmed...  but anyway.  I was so sad by how I was treated that I actually said outloud that my feelings were hurt, everyone ignored this and continued to discuss the topic I brought up but was dumb for thinking anyone would want to talk about.

 

raise your hand if you love your monthly hormone swings...

 

sniff sniff...

Day 1

Okay here it is.  I'm doing my first morning of work study.  Looks like they may want me to come reallllly early every week... I've done it before and for something much less important so when they need me I will be here.  The studio is quite and peaceful while class is in session and a hub of activity when class lets out or is about to start.  

I will have my first true Teacher Training session on thursday night.  I can not wait!  I will also have to figure out what night i'm coming in for my weekly class. 

And so i vacume the meditation room across the hall and take out some garbage and update constant contact for them.  I also channeled my bookseller experience and fixed up their retail book section.

LOVING IT!

Yoga teacher training!

I found my yoga teacher program! It's a really good one that runs for a full year and offers theory study as well as the asana (poses). Now to pay for it. My dad said he would give me some of it but he's in a rough spot because his cousin borrowed money from him... I emailed the studio asking if they do any sort of work study program to offset the cost of training. I am going in tomorrow morning to talk with the owner and see if an arraignment can be come to. I am hopeful that I can start this soon before school starts. I want to know the type of time that i'm going to have left for classes. I know it's going to be quite a busy two years but I need to get this done!

Back To It

School is done! Well the Associates Degree is done! I have no classes till October and that will be at a new school. I drug my butt back to yoga last night where the lovely stephanie m kicked it. I swear i've never sweated as much!! Today the soreness kicks in but it's worth it. I need to get my home practice moving again as well. Nate wants to clean the house tomorrow so maybe we will get the back room cleaned out and Deanna can move. Then her room will be my yoga room. I really want to get the drywall up in my basement, i'm sick of it being half finished. Maybe we will hold off on the back room and pull down some paneling tomorrow. Maybe we will sleep in and enjoy eachothers company. I guess anything could happen!



Today is my coworkers last day. There is enough food here to feed a herd of elephants!! It's all carbs and sugar, I may have diabetes by the time the day is through.


The guy who rents a room from us found out last night he has Lyme Disease. Which actually killed his mother... He must be sooo scared. I'm scared for him. I've been researching online but its actually quite hard for me to even read about lymph nodes and such without becoming grossed out. But it's not good news...


We are all heading down the shore this weekend so hopefully that will help to take his mind off of it. I'm excited to get away but dissapointed that we are not going to Six Flags because he's not well enough.


I am planning a trip to West Virginia in september to visit with my dad. I'm excited to get south again. I wish I could start looking for land. I am ready to get this next part of my life started!


For now I will be focusing on my yoga and by the time school starts back up I hope to have picked the place I will do my initial 200 hour teacher training.

The End and Start of the Semester

So... alot has happened since I wrote last. Nate and I celebrated 6 years together. I celebrated 30yrs of life. Classes ended, and tomorrow my new summer classes start... I got a whole 4 days between classes!!! I will be taking two courses since the orgional class i wanted was cancelled due to low enrollment. I was able to find two that would fit together and I will be done my Associates on June 27th! This month and a half will be tough. I will be going to class after work four days a week untill 9:30 at night. But it is ONLY 1 1/2 months so I decided to go for it! My yoga has and will continue to suffer due to my school schedule but I will be able to rejoin the flow after these classes are done. The accelerated BS program only runs 1 night a week, it will actually lighten my workload!!

Easter

Happy chocolate bunny day!


School is 1 month from over... I will have two summer courses then done with my Associates!! I'm done with school I can't wait to be done with school! Nate and I will be celebrating our 6 year anniversery a month from today! It went so fast but i'm so lucky he's here with me. I am visiting west virginia for fathersday and I do beleive that I will be meeting with a few real estate agents while I am down there! I have the itch to get moving!! If anyone stumbles across this who can give mortgage advice please let me know!

Yoga is calling me! I've had so little time, which i know is not an excuse we have to make time in our lives for the things we love (and unfortunately things we don't love also). I have noticed some pain while just standing in the morning... Perhaps I need to begin getting up early for yoga again! (I mean i know i need to do this but how much clearer of a sign do i need??)

Slacking

I have been slacking on my practice... School is in full swing and math is beating me up a little bit. I think I will probably be able to manage a B but it's been along time since i've struggled with a class like this! Then c


Nate just came home from a week playing disc golf in Arizona where he fried his cell phone by leaving it in a car in the middle of the day! How silly! He also chipped his tooth while he was out there "vigorously biting into his *salad (*fork)" and now needs to go to the dentist but at least he is covered till the end of June. He also found a doctor so he can get a check up before he loses his coverage!!

Next week is spring break for school and i'm going to use the opportunity to host a few yoga sessions at my house and make it a goal to get out to at least one class at the studio.


I don't think i'm in a place where more than one "real" class is realistic. I get sooo sore when i haven't been in a bit. Nate and I have moved our bedroom downstairs which is WONDERFUL and deanna will be moving into another room which allows me to have a YOGA ROOM!!! WHOOP!!!

Work is beyond busy since it's bid season but at least I don't have to bill this year on top of it!!! I need to get moving on applications for school they are due this month... and more than likely this week or next...

Grampa Don

My grampa is sick.  He's becoming more and more incoherent and will be going into hospice from the hospital on monday...  i am sad...  especially since i now have to decide if i should use my vacation time to visit now before he goes or using it when he goes... to bury him (i only get one day of berevement for a grandparent and west virginia isn't close)

i am sad...

happy-ness

So i'm working through this thing right now where i dont want to go anywhere and i don't wanna see anyone and i don't want anyone at my house and i'm really angry all the time...  whew...  its been 6 days...  I have never had a mood that i couldn't shake like this one.

i am not feeling like myself and it's not good...  I have been neglecting my practice which i am assuming is connected but my only weeknights off are thurs fri and i'm having trouble finding a class that meets when i can get there.  i don't like feeling trapped at my house when Nate is gone...  why can't i have a car??!!  dragging myself to work is slowly killing me i can barely put on the front anymore and everyone from nate to my bosses are asking "what's wrong". 

so what's wrong???  maybe i'm depressed...  maybe my monthly is super nasty this time...  maybe i have seasonal affective disorder... 

Nancy told me today to stop being a victim...  but let me be clear here!  I AM NOT FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF!!  I am feeling sad and like i want to be left alone but it's more of a selfish thing than a self pity thing.

school is compleatly unchallenging and close to boring this semseter... 

Nate asked me what needed to change and i couldn't answer him...  UMMM...  I need everyone in my life to stop taking advantage of me!!!  I need to be able to go out and do things that i wanna do!!!  I need to see that there is some forward motion to my life!!!  these are all very vague and i'm having alot of trouble narrowing them down to workable issues...  I'm having even more trouble caring enough to spend the time doing it. 

class concussion & jello

Ha! That is actually exactly what I dealt with last night! Nate gave himself a NASTY concussion at work yesterday and was put on a clear liquid diet. Poor thing!! After getting home from my first night of class I then ran back out to the store for white grape juice, jello, motrin and chicken boullion.



I got up early on Wednesday and did some yoga in my dressing room... then had some coffee before hopping in the shower. It was so nice! But then this morning I buried my head until 7 and was out the door at 7:30... ah well... there will be balance some day!!
Next week classes start in full force (or half time) but I will be in Math from 5:30 - 8:30 on Tuesday nights and Desktop Publishing from 5:30 - 8:30 Wednesday nights. Then I will walk for my Associates in May! Then i'm 1/2 way done!!! More if I just buckle down tight and take extra courses... sigh I will have to see if that is even possible. It's hard to get around without a car!

Nate is home today icing his head which is starting to turn a really pretty purple color, and eating Jello... I made yummy pulled beef yesterday that he was quite upset he couldn't eat! I think he can start eating tonight... it's not gonna be pretty I better plan on making 3 lbs of meat instead of 2!!

But what's different this time??

Okay so I am working on my 3rd day of not smoking cigarettes. It is highly annoying but not the epic mental battle I seem to remember from my previous attempts. So the question I ask is what is different this time? The main thing I think this time is that I am really just done. I don't want to smoke anymore (not that I don't get cravings because MAN I get them), I just don't want to be a smoker anymore. I am tired of letting cigarettes own my routine, now if I don't have to stop on the way home from work I just don't have to stop... Another reason is Nate. We spoke this weekend and have been talking about kids... he wants three (much to my suprise) but if i'm starting at 32 we are going to have to have one every 18 mos or so and I can't be thinking about getting healthy for all that stress on my body right before hand... I'm going to have to get into really good shape so I can do this and still be healthy afterwards. I am also much more able to be honest with myself now than I ever was before and with that comes higher self accountability.
As for right now I sit and grind my teeth without knowing I'm doing it, eat mints and candy like that's what I get paid to do, and look forward to my perfect little future that i'm despreatly trying to plan


>.<

another day

I did not make it to yoga on wed, or out of bed really at all on thursday. Under the weather. I am feeling better except for the headache but that too will pass. Tomorrow Nate and I are going to get pedicures (it's the only way I let him in bed without socks on) then home for painting of the dining room and christmas light removal from the front of the house! He's playing a tournament on sunday which stinks but at least it's not a two day! Anne and I have some sister time scheduled for sunday morning which should be nice since i've seen her 3 times in the past 5 weeks and she lives with me.



today is my last day of smoking. i am nervous about having enough self control (i forgive myself easily for transgressions against my own rules) but i will make it this time and am looking forward to the added benefit of possibly not having such a sour stomach all the time.

Tonight we are going to PF Chang's for Nates mom's birthday which should be interesting since his step dad and sister get along like two wet mad cats in a bag. At least it's a bit of dining entertainment. I wish i could just tell her that it's bad for digestion to be stressed out while you eat and she NEEDS TO STOP. But alas, i can not and will not. It's not my fight to fight, and it shouldn't be a fight anyway their mom is grown and can make her own decisions. It's not like he beats her or verbally abuses her, he's just kinda a bum...


I have started using the Pandora app and it's AMAZING!!! Been using maroon 5 channel for yoga and it's just tops >.<

winter

The winter doldrums... it's hard to move about when it's cold out... and it's easy to use that as an excuse!



I've been busy with holidays and my poor little boy kitty got a neuter, which he then licked at until we had to take him back to get flipped right side out again and glued shut. I won't elaborate but if you didn't get it read that sentence again. He lived in my bathroom for a week with a paper filled litter box... I now have a terrible odor in the bathroom which I can not get out!! I have scrubbed my tile and grout throughouly every night for the past three days with a bleach cleaner, cleaned the sink, toilet, and shower twice each and washed the shower curtain twice with bleach... still when I open the door I get hit in the face with it. No one else can smell it, everyone just says "it smells like bleach". Maybe i'm going crazy but if bleach smelled like what I smell no one would ever use it!!!

I managed to hold yoga at my house a few times during this hectic 3 week period but not to get to the studio... it's even harder without a car to get me there but I do what I can when I can. Classes are starting back up on the 18th, I will have to get that paid for stat! I also am considering trying to get to a few Zumba classes. I really need to feel comfortable in my skin. I'm tired of being sooo self concisous about my clothing and bigness >.<


Most of this winter break from school has been spent cleaning and ORGANIZING my stuff. I have quite a large box going for the yard sale and a big bag of clothing for donation as well. Seems like every time I get on top of the laundry situation at the house I turn around

My momma is facing some scary sounding heart conditions. Her specialist recommended waiting for a less invasive surgery to become available. I need to go get an echocardiogram.

This weekend Nate is only playing disc golf on Sunday so we are gonna try to get the dining room painted... i hate set up/clean up of paint and Nate hates painting so we split it that way! It really goes so much smoother and faster!